


Silence

by SennaLaureen



Category: X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Logan, Suicidal Thoughts, do I write anything but? I think not
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-13 18:24:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16023458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SennaLaureen/pseuds/SennaLaureen
Summary: Caliban has a bad day. Logan is there.





	1. Chapter 1

Car engine sounds disappearing in the distance, Caliban let out a relieved sigh. Logan won’t be back for a while - did he go on a job? He wasn’t paying attention to what the other mutant said before he left, instead trying to suppress the familiar feeling deep in his guts - the urge to crawl in some hole and claw his skin off, rip his own chest open and squish his beating heart with this own hands, finally putting an end to his miserable existence. 

These episodes came and went ever since his childhood, were magnified by the screams of mutants he condemned to death by helping the others track them, but over the course of the last year - the time he was out in the desert taking care of Charles and helping Logan - he only had a couple of them, their force not comparable to those he had before. Seemed like taking care of someone, giving back something after everything he did made him feel a little better.

But not this time. The crushing depression rendered him unable to finish the chores, hiding from Logan, anxiously waiting for the other mutant to leave. Now that Logan was driving away, Caliban finally let out a shaky breath, feeling the world around him collapse, tears blurring his vision, voices screaming at him in his mind. 

He didn’t know how he ended up on the ground in the darkest corner of the room behind his bed, legs pulled up to his chest, arms covering his head, chocking on his tears and unable to breathe, suffocating. The voices of every single mutant who died because of him haunting him, the guilt eating him alive from within, drowning out the physical pain from the ray of light shining directly at his hand through the curtains he forgot to shut. 

“...ban! Caliban!” A voice so different from those screaming at him drew his attention. He looked up, flinching away instinctively, unable to make out a face through the tears. “Caliban, it’s me!” He blinked and slowly came back to himself, finally recognizing Logan’s face hovering in front of him, illuminated by the single light bulb they had.

The other mutant carefully moved closer and put his hands on the albino’s shoulders. “Caliban, what’s wrong? What happened?”

Blood rushed to Caliban’s cheeks upon realizing that he had a full blown episode in front of Logan, that there were still tears running down his face, and his whole body trembled. _It’s nothing, leave me alone_ was that he wanted to say, but his voice cracked, throat contracted, and only rasping sounds left his mouth. He raised his hand to wash away the tears, but Logan grabbed his wrist before Caliban could hit the burned flesh on the bedpost. Upon discovering his wound, the albino took a sharp breath, the pain from the burn finally reaching his brain.

He couldn’t suppress a grimace, now that his senses returned to him, and with them the excruciating pain of burned, black flesh on the back of his hand, the disgusting smell filling the room. The sun must have been shining on his hand for a while for it to burn that bad. How did he not...?

“Let’s get you patched up,” Logan’s soft voice made Caliban look up - it was such a rare occurrence among the bickering and straight-up fighting between the two of them, that he could only follow the other man to the kitchen table, taking a seat. Logan filled a glass of water and Caliban thankfully downed it - the water cleared his throat. 

As usual, the fit left the albino mutant utterly exhausted, and he just let the other do. Logan sat down facing Caliban, and carefully took his burned hand in his. Caliban let him apply the aloe vera, biting his tongue despite the gentle touch. How embarrassing - not only having had one of his fits in front of Logan, but also forgetting to close the curtains in the most stupid way possible. He wished the ground would open and swallow him up - for a large variety of reasons.

Caliban braced himself for mockery, but moments passed by in silence, while Logan carefully applied the medicine, his big coarse hands being surprisingly tender, avoiding additional pain as much as possible. 

Through the pain Caliban was acutely aware of the other’s touch. It’s been a very long time since anyone touched him without the intent of hurting him, and he found himself enjoying it more and more with each passing moment.

When Logan was done, he lowered their hands down between them, but didn’t let go, his fingers still wrapped around Caliban’s wrist, his thumb drawing soothing circles on the pale skin just above the bandages. 

The two of them never were good with words, words said between them usually turned into a verbal fight, sometimes just unpleasant, sometimes downright hurtful. Now Caliban found solace in the silence hanging between them.

Tired to the bone and almost falling asleep, Caliban was taken aback by Logan’s other hand pressing gently against his cheek, radiating warmth. He looked up, meeting the other mutant’s eyes, and could recognize himself in them - the same tiredness, the same sadness, the same loneliness.

Suddenly he realized that he was absolutely done with trying to be strong, he was done with his own pride, he was done with this entire world. Done with pain, done with guilt. Done with loneliness and hopelessness that surrounded them here, and was the very core of his own life.

In this moment he wanted nothing more than to be held and made to forget, that any of the outside world existed at all.

The emotions must have bled into his expression, because Logan instantly leaned forward, and Caliban found himself pressed against the muscular torso, his head resting on Logan’s shoulder. Somehow he knew that Logan would take over from here, and just let a relieved sigh, closing his eyes, letting the other mutant lift him up and carry him to the bed, surrendering himself completely to the other.

It was almost a shame that he had no energy left to enjoy the way Logan's strong arms encircled him, pressing him closer, Logan's breath caressing the top of his head, the warmth of the other's body all around him lulling him to restful sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

The first thought he had upon waking up was that he didn't want to wake up. He was comfortable, warm, and content, and he missed that feeling for God knows how long. Maybe even forever.

The second thought upon opening his eyes was: he was cuddling with Logan.

His brain needed a whole moment to process that his sleepy eyes were seeing: his head was nestled on the other mutant's shoulder, his arm sprawled across the other's chest. Logan's arm laying around Caliban's waist, he was sound asleep, his chest raising and falling under his palm.

Despite the clothes they still wore, Logan's hand on his waist still burned through the fabric all the way to his sensitive skin, making Caliban hyper-aware of the touch.

Caliban was about to jump up and get as far away from here as possible, when it occurred to him that Logan was still asleep, and if he only allowed himself a moment of selfishness, he could enjoy this for a short while, he could pretend that...

He didn't finish that dangerous thought, pushing it away as quick as possible - he wasn't ready to face that. Besides, living with a mind reader had his downsides. A propos Charles - he should check on him, it's been too long - how long exactly? He wasn't sure what time it was.

As soon as Caliban made an attempt to carefully disintegrate himself from Logan, the other turned on his side towards him and Caliban now found himself trapped not only with one arm, but both.

Apparently still sleeping, Logan pressed him closer to his chest, nuzzling the top of his head and making unintelligible sounds. Caliban would never admit it to himself, but it made his heart flatter.

_For fuck's sake!_

Caliban granted himself one single moment to enjoy the proximity, tried to memorize the feeling, absolutely sure that once it was over he won't get to feel like that again, and then thoughtfully freed himself from the sleeping mutant and rushed to put his poncho on in order to go check on Charles.

One last glance back at the peacefully sleeping Logan, Caliban suddenly felt a pang in his chest and his throat constricted. Confused about his own reaction, he rushed outside.

~~~

Charles was fine, still sleeping though, and Caliban took care of the plants and prepared the medicine for then the older mutant's gonna wake up. While working, his thoughts kept returning to what happened last evening. 

It's been a while - five or six months, if he remembered correctly - since he came to live here and help Logan. Prior to that... well, he didn't like to think about that time in detail, but he didn't have anyone to rely on for a very long time. He wasn't used to show weakness, or receive comfort. Usually, his weakness was rewarded with more pain.

But not this time. Caliban could still feel the strong arms around his shoulders, the palm casually resting on his waist. The soothing touch on his burned hand. It was futile to try and deny that he loved the feeling. But.

But it was also futile to harbour any illusions regarding Logan's motivation. The other mutant wasn't a bad man, far from it. He saw Caliban in a bad state of mind and tried to help ~~and help it did!~~. It would be extremely stupid - not to mention selfish - to think that this had any further meaning than that, or to hope that it would happen again, ever.

It would be best to forget the whole thing - maybe thank Logan first - and move on. Also: be careful next time.

Caliban was deep in his thoughts and only looked up from Charles' plants, when he heard the limousine leave their yard. Logan was off to work.


End file.
